Your year

I know less and less

Snippets of break

Hello beautiful people!

I am so sorry for the lack of writing. I wrote over 150 pages just for school this semester (about 70 of those in the last two weeks of school, during finals), which kind of burned me out as far as writing in general, writing of any form. At first, it was hard to feel like I was falling out of love with my passion. However, thanks to a wonderful professor, I was able to write in forms I never had before, but ones that I fell in love with in a completely different way. A way that allowed me to write about the writing of theorists and peers, thus reflecting on the way our emotions and thoughts are in constant exchange. I may publish some shorter excerpts of some of these essays, as some are long and heavily based on lengthy readings that are probably necessary to grasp the contents. However, I would like to share pieces and parts of this prose, so that’s right around the corner.

Tomorrow, I am leaving for a study abroad program in Australia that I have been anticipating for nearly a year. At this point, the constant wondering and uncertainty is sort of exhausting, and I think I just need to get going and be there so that I can be immersed in all of it so that I am encouraged and compelled to be present. I have not shared much about my August travels to Costa Rica thus far, but I think within those three weeks, I was the most present I have ever been. Traveling alone means that you must be immersed in every little detail so that you can make it through the day– you must decide where and when you’ll eat, what you’ll get from the grocery store that’s easy to pack and tides you over when you can’t find a restaurant, what you’ll do to fill a day when you’ll rest, where you’ll sleep. How you’ll get from place to place, and what in the world those places will be. I made an itinerary and followed it for about four days before completely changing my plans, according to what locals and other travelers recommended to me. I am incredibly glad I took the route I did, as it was the places I didn’t plan on visiting which were my favorites. I was shown daily that even though I was traveling solo, the experiences I had were completely created by the others I encountered.

Right now, there are clothes stacked all over my floor, covering the entire floor. I still have to pack everything that isn’t clothes, and I keep making excuses for that, saying that I still need a couple of things so why even start? But, I’ll be heading to the airport in about 24 hours, so my excuses are running low. I always feel bad for the clothes I leave behind in the closet, and even worse for the ones sitting in the storage unit for months. I wish I was joking but looking at them in the closet right now breaks my heart a bit which is quite silly.

Yesterday, my mom asked me what I wanted to get out of this trip. Honestly, I don’t think I am going to know until I get there. However, I do have some things I’d like to focus on this year. Without constantly reminding myself of them and of my ability to nourish myself by treasuring these wants.

I’d like to begin to stop my fears, and my instant assumption that the worst is approaching, from allowing me to try new things and take risks (safely). In other words, I hope that my fears manifest as courage.

I hope I continue to prioritize love, in all forms. While traveling and busy, it can be difficult to stay in touch with friends and family at home. However, taking care of my people and my relationships, even from across the world, is always the most important to me. I will continue to reach out, via a call, a quick message, and hopefully more letters. I would love to send more letters! It is in these trying times that I wish I had a carrier pigeon.

I’d like to go out dancing more. I’d like to be in rooms full of strangers and to be immersed in music with them without feeling insecure in my solitude. I’d like to have fun, bubbly drinks, and also maybe some more vegetables.

On the morning of January 1st, my friend and I woke up next to each other after a long night of talking, collaging, and such. She had already been up for a while and was in much better spirits than I was (I am not in the sweetest mood in the mornings). She reminded me that even though people say “This is going to be my year” or “next year is going to be my year,” every year is our year. Even if there are terrible parts, even if the entire thing feels terrible, it is (and will be) our year. It was gifted to us, and it is full of whatever we want it to be full of, to an extent, of course.

This summer taught me that the unknown shouldn’t always be associated with panic, but for me, this is hard to put into practice. I have never known less about what a year is going to look like. I know I’m studying in Australia until mid-April, and I know I’m going back to school in September. In between, I have no clue what city, or country, I’ll be spending time in. I anticipate my time being split between many different places, which is both thrilling and exhausting. I cannot wait to write about it all, to imagine based on my reality. And, I can’t wait to share it with you all! My goal for this year is at least one newsletter per month, so we shall see if it comes true…I truly have no idea quite what this study abroad program is going to look like, and how much time I will have to write. I hope to create and prioritize this prose, as it is my fuel, my provocation.

Thank you for being patient with me. I hope your year begins with care, in whatever form you would like that to take.

PS. If you enjoyed this and you’d like to follow along this year… it’s never too late to subscribe (you can do it for free!) something other than spam in your inbox, perhaps…