The hummingbird, the crow, and the cheetah
walk into a bar
First off, apologies for the missed week! Honestly, I’d like to say with confidence that it will not happen again in the foreseeable future, but life seems to only get busier. Also, I couldn’t find much joy in the past week, so I didn’t feel like writing a newsletter would be super awesome. There’s so much frightening and angering and depressing stuff going on in the world, and there’s been days where I feel like I’m drowning in it. My life seems to continue in fairly normally, which is almost more disturbing considering that so many people’s do not. But, all we can do is keep going.
I did a tarot reading for a friend a couple nights ago, and I drew the hummingbird, the crow, and the cheetah (it was a past, present, future reading). I love reading tarot (my animal deck is my favorite), but I haven’t been doing it lately and I misplaced my pendulum. Before I continue, I want to make sure everyone’s familiar with tarot, so here is the first definition the internet fed me.
There are a lot of people who are very hesitant about tarot, which I completely understand, because I was the same way until a couple of years ago. My mom had gotten me an astrology reading for my birthday, and we talked about constellations and the elements and jazzy stuff like that. At the end, she had extra time so she read my tarot, and the cards were pretty and it looked fun and voila. I dove into some (minimal) research and plunged into videos and little articles and such. I learned how to do specific readings (like past present future and the relationship spread), but I also learned that a lot of tarot is just feeling the energy and letting the other person’s energy seep into the cards. So, I always start my readings by asking the other person to put their energy into the cards, however they feel is most natural or best (and pray they don’t lick my cards). People usually just shuffle them, or just hold them for a second, then hand them back to me. Then I do my little silly spread of cards and pose my question about the type of reading/goal of the reading and then swing the pendulum and there we go.
For the reading I was talking about, we’ve got the hummingbird first. I love the hummingbird (thus my hummingbird tattoo) and what it means (which I’ll tell you if I read your tarot…).
I like to leave cards somewhat open to personal interpretation instead of just giving one definition, because I view them more as symbols than anything else! They are waiting to be unveiled and there’s lots of meaning within each one, lots of grey area and a pretty surface level meaning until you attach some personality to it. But the basic progression of the cards I drew this time moved from a place with a lot of power and light burning at your core (but completely internalized), to external light and the power (and discomfort and scariness and competition) that comes with it.
I think the reason so many people are skeptical of tarot is that we associate it with someone telling you your future like the cards are a little crystal ball, which is not at all what I connect tarot to! I like to use it as more of just a little advice sesh, what you’re doing well and what you can do to bring yourself into balance. I don’t really do predictions or spectate on the future too much, and even on past/present/future readings, the emphasis is usually on the present, which in ways is really the only part that matters. I love astrology, but I have found the whole predictability thing to be either stressful or just much less reliable. I have not one doubt in my mind that some brilliant palm reader or old woman sitting in a crystal shop or a garden could see and articulate my entire future, but as far as reading horoscopes or using astrology as a backup for days in the near present can be a slippery slope, usually because I just put too much into it. I probably will not meet the love of my life in the next three weeks, and yes I do need a hug today! Thank you Costar for that wonderful reminder!
In other news, I went to my first debate tournament today. It was actually a tad insane (not according to my friend who does it since he is so adjusted) but they were talking so fast and then they were arguing at the end and it stressed me out but then they were all friends at the end? I do not like watching people argue and yell at each other so let’s say this might not be for me. I think if someone called my argument abusive I would flip out a little, but they just sat there and hung out. The topic was merging 5G companies in the UK. Very interesting awesome stuff (I did understand more than I thought I would, thank you Mr. Laird my high school Econ teacher and the Washington Post). Anyways, debate is not for the weak of heart and I am very impressed with the people who are committed to it and do not combust under the pressure! Also, I really wanted to laugh when they started talking really fast because I was not expecting them to talk so fast, and then I looked over to my friends who were also holding back laughter, and we were all just looking at the floor trying so hard not to let out an audible laugh (there were definitely some muffled squeaks). So, apologies to the debaters, I sincerely hope we did not distract you. You were wonderful and I could never do what you do partly because I don’t think I’d want to! However, the talent is palpable and the talking fast and for so long probably strengthens your lungs so that’s a plus. Now that I’m thinking more about this, I actually always talk fast and for a long time. Debater in the making? April fool’s that’s not going to happen however I will be attending more debate events possibly tomorrow (or today or yesterday depending on when this comes out).
Another first tonight was watching The Shining. I see why people love it, but every time I watch a horror movie I am reminded of why they just aren’t my first choice of film. I am on the edge of my seat the whole time (not in the good way) and I just want to scream at everyone to not go in there, but they always do anyways. As a wise friend said once the movie was over after I expressed my anxiety during the movie, “that’s why I’m on Lexapro!'“ I watched a couple of video essays afterwards and learned a lot but was still not converted to a horror movie fanatic. It’s weird too because I love Halloween, I love the eeriness and the weather and Tim Burton and warm tones and Red (Taylor’s version) and everything that comes with it. Yet still…
Also… top sheet people! I hear you and I miss the top sheet series too. I pinky promise that it is not over, I have two interviews that I need to transcribe and then I’ll be interviewing lots more folks for the series, so feel free to email me or dm me or send me a dove if you would like to be a part of it. I think part of the reason I’ve been delaying it is because in a way, it feels like a lot more pressure than just the normal brain dump/essay that I normally write. I’m writing about another person’s life and I want to do justice to the conversation I have with them, because I always love it. I thought about converting it to a podcast, but that would take away some of the animosity. Maybe I’ll ask each individual person? Also, when I’ve tried to record podcasts in the past the audio hasn’t turned out awesome, but maybe I could find a way around that?
This didn’t feel like the eloquently written essay that I went into this wanting to create, it was not cohesive and 100% not my best writing but I will catch you next week! I wish I had the time to rewrite this, but I have my second campus tour tomorrow, and it needs to be better than the first one so I’ve got to study up.
The past week has been a lot of sleeping and essay writing, and next week will be less sleeping and more midterm studying (I thought that would sound better but it doesn’t, maybe next week I’ll write about wanting to drop out!) Just kidding (kind of). Happy Sunday, enjoy the poem & the rest of the newsletter!
This is a villanelle I wrote for poetry class, I titled it villanelle in the creative way I usually do. It was for a poetry workshop, and I got lots of feedback and am working on a revised edition now, but this is my first draft, which ended up complete with comments and everything of that sort. I think I’ll call it “doves.”
Doves
Your halo would be made of cigarette smoke
Checkers on your dress, French pipes, dirty lungs
If you go to heaven, at least you’ll find out it’s all folk
On invisible wishes and glooming love, your cloak
We sit in the dark, your mother’s bed and speak in tongues
Your halo would be made of cigarette smoke
You’re praying, but God thinks it’s a joke
Up there with the bees, the people you have stung
If you go to heaven, at least you’ll find out it’s all folk
We can sit in the river, blistered feet soak
Socks are wet, and you cry, but they’re meant to be wrung
Your halo would be made of cigarette smoke
Read the news and forget it, pretend you have some hope
If you go to the doves, tell them of the melody you’ve sung
If you go to heaven, at least you’ll find out it’s all folk
I imagined you would get married under an oak
I pretend there’s still time because we’re still young
Your halo would be made of cigarette smoke
If you go to heaven, at least you’ll find out it’s all folk
1. My beautiful gorgeous campus
2. Current most listened to playlist
3. My poetry class
This is actually my least favorite course because of the timing- it goes by so so slow because it’s 3:30-5 and leaving class when it’s getting dark is just such a sad feeling. Also, writing poems in specific meter and rhythm feels like it’s stripping me of my creativity sometimes. But last Thursday when my sweet professor was handing back our poems and said “Who wrote a poem called Itchy Feeling?” everything felt very worth it.
4. Homework as an outside activity
I have been going to the library as little as possible lately because it’s been nice outside, and I know I’m going to have to be in the library for about six months straight when it gets rainier so why start preemptively? I am much more prone to distraction when I’m outside than when I’m in the library (depending on the day), but I feel so much better while/after getting all my work done
Today’s bug is crickets! There are over 2400 kinds of cricket species including but not limited to king crickets, mormon crickets, house crickets, and tobacco crickets. They have three eyes on their foreheads, and they can live pretty much anywhere, sometimes making their homes in rotting wood, sometimes inside caves, sometimes in grass or tree canopies. Crickets live around 90 days, and are mostly nocturnal, hiding in rocks or dead vegetation during the day. They’re also kept as pets in some countries in Southeastern Asia, and have played a large part in literature and culture!
I hope this week goes well for all of you! Only a couple weeks until the best holiday of the year
Sincerely,
I still think about that one time you read my tarot in the bookstore!!! Costar is so devious and not encouraging at ALL! Your campus is so beautiful wow wow
Itchy Feeling. ❤️