Something mundane and beautiful

Arm in arm, we're strolling!

Sept. 8 2023

This week, I saw a couple hugging in the Trader Joe’s parking lot for two minutes straight, swaying back and forth as we backed out and drove away. This week, I remembered dreaming about dancing with them in a parking lot on the other side of town, with people listening to Mac Miller in the background after we drank iced tea and talked about our families. This week, I woke up to a sunrise every single day to my kitten purring beside my head, ready for breakfast and to play before drifting into slumber for the rest of the afternoon. This week, I cried for the second time since getting to school and blamed it on my meds, even though I cried while talking to her about something that had been weighing on me for a year, since we met last summer. This week, I started the fourth week on my transition to new medication, my fourth week of hiding anxiety over increased risk of something I worry about daily anyways, and my fourth week of having something to blame my exhaustion on. This week, I went to the chapel twice with my headphones on, and wondered if it was disrespectful to wear headphones in the chapel, or if I should listen to the silent echoes instead. This week, I led two meditations, and prayed they wouldn’t pick up on how completely unqualified I felt to be telling people to embrace their inner sense of peace and tranquility. This week, I didn’t miss any of my classes because it was too early to burn out, and I received a satisfactory on an assignment I thought would earn an outstanding, and compared myself to everyone more competent than me in a classroom full of people I barely know. This week, I met some new people who I’m not sure I’ll see again, and embraced the friendships I am scared to lose. 

This week, my screen time was down 21%, and I bought new toys for my cat so that she stops scratching things she’s not supposed to. This week, I ordered a watch so that I stop checking my phone in the middle of class to see how slowly time is passing, or how fast it’s slipping away. This week, I reached out to an old acquaintance, and thought too much about their delayed response, interpreting it as a personal vendetta. This week, I emailed my therapist back, but we couldn’t find a time to meet because of my class schedule this semester. This week, I made a weekend to-do list that is too ambitious and that I have barely begun. This week, I read about chronic illness and tried to give myself some grace, because other people advised me to. This week, I felt like sleeping with my eyes open. This week, I had two dance parties with my friends, both in places public enough for people to stare at us without smiling. This week, I learned what power hour is and laughed with my friends until going back to my room and giving myself permission to sleep. This week, I ate picnic lunches with my friends outside, and missed how little I knew the last time we did this. This week, I took pictures of my friends in the golden because they looked so effortlessly beautiful, and hoped they saw themselves in the same light I do. This week, I declared a major, but making decisions always feels unsteady. 

This week, I got locked out of my room twice, and waited for campus safety for 52 minutes to drive across the street and let me into my dorm, and speak to me as if I had committed a heinous crime by forgetting to unlock my door before I left to go on a walk before my class. This week, I took pictures of seemingly mundane things to remember the way the September light reflects on the desk and peeks through the trees. This week, I took a friend to dinner and noticed my dimple for the first time when I looked at pictures of us. This week, I looked at pictures from two springs ago trying on prom dresses, smiling as I grasped onto my partner, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to hang on until that dress made its debut, knowing he wasn’t interested in dancing with me, knowing I wanted to dance with people who were. This week, I let the sun dictate my bedtime hours, with the exception of long afternoon naps when time abided. This week, I thought about going out twice, and already decided against one (only time will tell whether I decide to hit the town tonight, but I think I’m pretty respectable in this field of things). 

*Update: I did end up going out last night, and actually surprised myself by having a fun time (at a football party?) I went with my lovely friends and we danced and definitely didn’t consume any illegal substances because we’re underage, and we met lots of cool dudes and an international student from Finland! Unfortunately parties are sort of a good way to meet jazzy people and I might go out more this semester (hold me to it but also maybe not because my bed is so comfy too)

This week, I practiced gratitude every morning, journaled twice, and wrote one poem. I wrote it for you all, and for me, and it’s conveniently waiting right here for you!

Back and forth

You said you wanted to talk about it, because we never had 

I admitted I never would have brought it up, you said you wish I would have

I wish it had never happened, but I miss it a little, too

Dreaming with my eyes open, complaining to my dad

Feeling deep and breathing shallow, bleeding till my lips were blue

Swallowing my pain, swearing I could could change your mind, skew the story, make it true

Bending backwards for your love, craving pain like clementines 

Only if you were holding the hook, only if you were reeling in the line

When you look in the mirror, do you see yourself like I do?

I wouldn’t have let go for anything, even after I knew 

You’d thought about it a couple times, but had it been eating up your mind

Had you felt restless over a friendship blurry, undefined

We didn’t talk about it because I might have lost you

I wrote in metaphors but I meant it, every word

I couldn’t say it to your face, even late on a Saturday when our words were slurred

Because baby, yours was the first song my new face had ever heard and I 

will talk about it even if my eyes start to burn

I owe you that, I always will, because there’s a letter under my pillow with no address for return

We’re barely arguing but you’re angry and I’m crying but I love you and my friends are yours 

I can’t stand it when you’re away for too long, please don’t walk out my front door

What if our ambiguity is what makes us beautiful, what if spiteful is buried on the farm

How do I silence the ringing while you speak to me softly, how do I settle the alarm

We’re going dinner, it is time to be alright

I picture my family at the beach, I picture my mom and I flying that kite

Listening to the Chicks, reminding me we’ll make it out, lying out of her teeth cause grandma will never ever die

But when grandpa died while we were at the park, we both cried

So we’ll keep moving, you couldn’t lose me if you tried

And for you, this afternoon, I will watch as I lose my pride

Hold myself together but cease to curb my nostalgia

I tell my friends it was nothing, but my nose is growing and I’m spinning trying to place you

Eyes covered by a bandana

Lisa Says Gah (@lisasaysgah)

I know I’m behind on the trend but I just started following them on Instagram, and even though I could never afford an item of clothing from them, I hope when I’m rich every single thing is from them because oh my goodness. Even if you don’t plan on purchasing anything (I don’t buy many clothes that aren’t second-hand anyways), I highly recommend following them if you’re into style and clothes and accessories and everything in between.

Grass

It makes me itchy but I can deal because grass is literally so cool hello? I’m laying in the grass right now and I’ve seen at least three different kinds of bugs. It’s just a tiny. lively little ecosystem that we tend to step on and overlook, but there’s so many little guys down here living and loving. My version of stopping and smelling the roses is stopping and laying down in the grass, and saying hello to all the grass folks.

Timelapses

Taking timelapses when you’re doing work is really wonderful because afterwards you get a little treat when you watch it back. And, you can’t go on your phone while you’re taking one, which very much helps to eliminate distraction. You truly can’t go wrong. (I tried to insert one of mine here but it looked funky. Send me yours if you take one, they’re so much fun to watch.)

A little lip color

I’m not a big makeup person because it makes my face feel claustrophobic (that’s the best way I can explain it but now that I’ve written it it sounds kind of insane). The point is that whenever I have a little lipstick or lipgloss moment lately, I instantly feel like I look more put together? I don’t know how to explain the phenomenon, but it’s real and it’s in the building.

Today’s featured bug is a grasshopper, because I saw one this morning! Something i recently learned about these little guys is that they have five eyes- three to detect light and dark, and two large eyes with multiple lenses, kind of like a kaleidoscope. All of the lenses help them detect motion from a distance so they can get away from the bigger bugs who want to feast on them. Also, they’re older than dinosaurs, and fossils show that the first species of grasshopper existed over 300 million years ago. I have a feeling they’ll outlast us too.

The Sunday scaries are very real and present, but we can and will overcome! I am currently sipping on a lavender latte that my wonderful friend brought me and barefoot in the grass, about to start my slightly mundane reading, but I know that everything is going to work out, for you and me.

That’s a wrap on today’s newsletter. Have a fantastic week my friends

Love,