Sick dog and giant cheese

It is not time to grieve yet

Welcome to Bug’s Eye! Weekly essays, poems, things I am currently grateful for or recommend to readers, and of course, a different bug every week. I deeply believe in paying artists for their work, no matter how weird and quirky that work may be. If you love my writing, consider being a paid subscriber

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Powells again…I absolutely never get tired of it, there’s always something to explore

November 11, 2023

I think I am going to pass out. My body is hot all over, but there’s nothing underneath my sweater. I don’t want to pass out, I don’t want to, I’m in the middle of the airport. I’m going to eat something, I don’t want to. I didn’t sleep and I forgot to take my meds this morning, until it was late afternoon. I’m eating expired vegetarian $8 airport sushi and I still feel nauseous. My hand is shaking while I type and mixing letters, and there’s a boy across from me playing with a wooden puzzle rubix cube type thing and I’m watching because he never looks up. There’s a woman behind me on speaker phone, telling someone she made it to the airport and that she would like to stop and get something light on the way back, but only a snack, because she just had Salt & Straw ice cream. There’s kids playing on slides and big cheese play structures (sponsored by Tillamook, of course), using the ledges as treehouses or hiding places from their dad. One holds a phone and waves it around, maybe taking pictures. The man sitting to the right of me keeps staring at me, and I can feel it without even looking up. But everytime I look up, he’s watching. I can’t stand men today. Rubix cube boy and I have made eye contact twice now, and my hands are sticky from sushi. I don’t like flying alone because I always have to sit in the middle and I have to take all my stuff to the bathroom with me. I haven’t seen many people smiling here today, a few when they laugh at something someone else says. I don’t feel alone in my solemness today, as I go home to see my dying dog.

I’m cooling down, but my face is still burning. I want to sit alone, but I guess I can write either way. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, my cheeks were so red and my hair was messy. I splashed some cold water on my face and left without drying my hands. The kids who were climbing on the cheese are on my flight, I think. Their dad is telling them to wait for mom, and they seem to agree. My anthropology professor told us to hang out and observe, but I honestly feel kind of creepy even writing this and I truly hope it doesn’t come off that way! Just settling into my anthropologist ways. I told a friend I was going home for a “not good reason”, and then completely forgot to follow up. I’m usually really good about texts, not so much today. I told him I was okay, that Tenaya was sick and we don’t know how much longer she will live. My romantic (hopeless) mind has always told me I’ll meet a soulmate, someday at the airport. Ever since I was thirteen or so, I’ve had this gut feeling that I’ll meet someone in an airport or on a plane. I don’t know where yjay idea came from and I wish I could get over it but I can’t and I’m not sure I ever will, so I have to make sure I like my airport outfits. I haven't grieved a recent death in ten years, and I think I forgot how. I haven’t cried yet, even though everyone else has. Even as my dog (and I) have gotten older, I have always thought she was invincible. A somewhat naive part of me still does. If one more person sends me a “my prayers are with you” text, I think I’ll throw my phone off this airplane. My dog is very much still alive, and I’m not ready to grieve yet. She’s still here, and I’m on my way to see her. I’m on my way to see my sister.

**It is now Nov. 22, and I wanted to let the people know that Tenaya is still around, eating, drinking, walking, and sleeping in my room. She’s the strongest girl I know and she’s handling it all better than I could. I’m trying my best to be present, and enjoy every moment I have with her.

Okay so on a completely different note! Still sad but in a more abstract way (my favorite)…This is a poem I wrote for class this week, enjoy! Inspired by one of my favorite poets at the moment, Ama Codjoe.

Response to “Self-Portrait with Branches of Pine” by Ama Codjoe

Here I am, holding up your shattered mirror. Glass shards

digging into my fingertips. Red knuckles like ripe pomegranate seeds,

like a torn heart. I watch you despise your exterior and let

your fingers brush across the mirror, catching shards of what was once

your beauty, as defined by your mother’s touch. Were you the ghost

of one of her dreams? Do you miss when she was your

proctor? Shots of breast milk for you, red wine for her,

you loved her just the same. What was at stake when you moved,

and how many times 

will the clock tick before you realize you have always been on your own,

before you grieve your constant flow of blood rooted in your cuticles?

I watch as you massage your own shoulders and I sing

you a lullaby from my childhood, or

was it selfish to smother my youth into your disappointed eyes?

Here, I bandage your fingers and we abandon

an afternoon of shards and diffidence. My shoulder

was made for you to rest.

1. I Want Watermelon

   I don’t necessarily love this game but I must keep playing it. Especially now that I have a leaderboard with my friends (which I am on the bottom of) and I need to move further to the top because I am an extremely competitive person, but mostly just because I don’t enjoy doing things unless I’m good at them (something I’m working on and slowly overcoming). Play this for sure and also most definitely don’t unless you want to be heavily distracted for the next couple of weeks

2. Ben and Jerry’s half baked ice cream

   I haven’t had it since last weekend and forgot how magical it is. My friend and I ate a whole pint in one night #noregrets

   

3. A loafing cat

   My kitten Spoon is such an angel especially when she loafs! I just recently learned the term for this little pose. She stayed at school while I came home and I miss my toddler child! Apparently she is 6 years old in human years which is why she’s insane

   

4. My coloring app

   Okay so there’s two apps this week which is so unfortunate and my screen time is up an embarrassing amount but this game calms me. It’s not a game it’s a lifestyle. Color away my darlings

   

   

5. My little lip products I bring everywhere

   

Current playlist:

Thank you all so much for listening, and for your grace and patience, as I’m a couple of weeks behind. I don’t really have an excuse other than being sleepy, and I just haven’t been writing, but I always feel less balanced when I choose not to write so I must prioritize it more! I hope to see you for a couple of top sheets (if you’ve been a subscriber for a while, you may be wondering where this series went- do not fret), and some occasional newsletters. For the next little while, I’m going to try to focus on the top sheet series, as I have a couple more interviews ready to go and many more people I’m fiending to chat with. I look forward to the next time we talk, let’s make sure it’s soon!

With love,