Hope and sadness hold hands

Are the planets telling us how to grieve?

Hi friends. I am writing to you in a state of deep sadness, and also a heart overflowing with love and gratitude. Growing older has taught me not only the importance of feeling emotions that are seemingly “bad” (Inside Out taught me that in all honesty), but also in the ways your heart can split into so many different physical sensations. Right now, my heart is burning with love and gratitude, after a two hour talk with friends sitting on a bed and reminding each other to take advice from the planets, to remember the universe, the beautiful universe, which has a reason for every moment and emotion and event we experience. The universe, which reminds us of the meaning on earth, but also causes us to crumble in hopelessness and immense worry. A world that tries so hard to define us by our possessions, our physical presentations, our clothes, our shoes, our socks. A society that discourages introspection and encourages distraction, and a universe which provides us opportunity to do just the opposite. To look as deeply as we can into ourselves, to the point of uncomfortability and hurt, to the rawness and the pink and red and all of the gory. One that reminds us to define ourselves by our core, and provides us time and grace to uncover what our insides may represent, what we want to be and, maybe more importantly, what we are. 

This week, I lost my childhood dog. I’ve written about her a couple of times, and the story of growing up with her is documented here (which I’m very happy about). In this piece, I write that I cannot envision a life without her, and that I am not sure if I can do it. The time has come, and I still cannot envision my life without her. I cannot imagine going home to a room without a dog bed right next to mine, to falling asleep without the sound of dog snores and dreams. I cannot imagine not hearing her yawns and watching her sleep, or laying on her stomach and listening to her heart. I cannot imagine opening the door to let her inside, and her not being there. Now when I go to sleep, I’ll close my door, because as odd as it sounds, I’ve never closed my door while I sleep, in case she wants to come in and out. My parents would come in the morning, turning off the light I had fallen asleep with while reading, and closing the door. This twelve year ritual will end, as many others have for my parents, home for the first time in over a decade without her. I am a mess here, and I try not to think about how I will feel once I return home. Part of me never wants to, because my home was never without her. She was, and always will be, home. To think that I will never be home again ruins me. 

She had been sick for some time before she passed. I flew home in November because my parents were sure she was going to pass. When I got home, she seemed strong again. When I was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, she seemed to be doing well. She had a few rough days, and I could tell she was exhausted. I’m not sure if she was in pain, because she never complained, but I knew she was tired. The last picture I took of her was the day I left, and you could tell she was ready. Five days after I left home for school, she was gone. I facetimed my parents while I watched a woman inject some kind of poison into her that caused her to pant heavily before drifting to sleep. When the woman arrived at our house, Tenaya looked so excited. She was given treats and love, and she was happy and moving well. For a moment, I wondered if we were making a mistake. Fifteen minutes later, she was gone, and I watched my sobbing parents pet her long after she had died. I hung up and cried for hours, and then I went to watch a movie with my friends without telling them. There was, and is, this resounding pain I have never experienced before. It is so much more physical than I expected, more numb, too. I have cried and I have journaled and I have tried to distract myself, but no matter what I do, she doesn’t leave my mind. Even while I sleep, I dream about her. Today, I realized my heart hurts because a part of it is gone, and it is desperately trying to close an open wound, one that will never quite heal. 

My last picture of Tenaya

She was so incredibly strong, and if she was in pain, she never showed it. She never cried, and didn’t slow down when she didn’t want to. She stayed the entire time I was home, and died without me there to comfort her. The guilt of not sitting next to her in her last minutes has not begun to dissipate. The whole thing was unsettling. I received a google calendar invite to her death (this is kind of funny) and I counted down the minutes until the call, the hardest call of my life. I went to lunch, but couldn’t stomach anything, and remember it pouring rain, thinking to myself that the rain was almost too cliche for a day like this. I scrolled through instagram while I waited for the call, and had a headache from dehydration, but just stared at my empty water bottle. I wore clothes I didn’t feel attached to, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to wear them again for a while. I put on mascara, even though I knew I would cry it off, and I made a playlist to listen to in anticipation of her death. For some reason, I worried about missing things, like time with friends or responding to emails or working on applications and resumes. I took my fleece off, and I answered the call. 

My friends are an absolute blessing. They have checked on me and distracted me and called me and held space for me, and I truly could not ask for more. 

As far as the universe, the moon is in Cancer now. This means we should take time for observation and introspection, for intentionally recognizing and acknowledging our feelings, our fears, and our memories. We may feel more emotional than usual, more sensitive to our surroundings. This time of year gives us the space to practice creating a nurturing and healing energy for ourselves. Let the Mars in Capricorn allow you to continue moving forward with a sense of determination, knowing the meaning and importance of working towards your goals, even if this work pushes you out of your comfort zone. At the same time, let the Venus in Sagittarius allow you to practice some spontaneity and generosity, dance in your room, and spin through the hallways. The Sun in Aquarius will keep you free and independent, without diminishing the warmth spilling out of your limbs, felt by those around you. 

I would like to end this on a more fun note! This influencer https://linktr.ee/dakotawarren has this series called r.e.p.o.r.t. and each letter stands for something, and I want to start doing it! So here we go

R- Reading

Last book I finished was One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez. It was some of the most beautiful prose I have ever read, and such a beautiful story of generational cycles and trauma, love, suffering, all of it. The way Márquez writes is just insane, this is the second book I have read by him and I need to read more already. He is one of those authors I would just love to have dinner with and talk to about his writing process and all that jazz (he died in 2014 though so I guess no dinner). Highly recommend to anyone who enjoys and appreciates good writing

E- Eating

Pasta. Loads and loads of pasta. That is kind of all, and I haven’t gotten sick of it yet. I got three bags of pasta at Trader Joes and some sauce for less than $10, and that will be a solid 5-6 meals, which probably explains why this is my favorite college meal! It’s also delicious which is convenient 

P- Playing

My mango fidget. It comes everywhere with me. I looked it up on Amazon and I think this is the right one, and I highly recommend it. It smells like mango too, but mine has worn off I believe. If they have more fruits maybe I should collect them… no!!! No more consumerism!!! Mango

O- Obsessing

Baggu (as always). I accidentally took a picture of me packing that happened to feature an embarrassing number of Baggu items I’ve collected over time! I think they should sponsor me

R- Recommending

Dressing up just to dress up! It’s so fun and special and it just came to mind randomly, has not happened since New Years but I want to find a reason to dress up again sometime soon maybe

T- Treating 

Trader joe’s lemon curd always

PS. Top sheets are coming back soon! I apologize to everyone I have interviewed who has not been featured yet- I have not been writing and I am backlogged as far as interviews I need to write, and sometimes it takes a while. I promise, they are coming, and I am quite excited to write them 

Thank you all for reading, it has been a pleasure as always! I will see you next week