Friends in love

An array of jumbled thoughts and sentiments

Putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, is difficult when I’m already doubting different aspects of myself. It’s no good to stop writing because whatever I write might not meet an imaginary standard that only exists in my head, in my body. Setting seems to matter to me, when I write. I’m inspired by a space, and once something strikes me about my surroundings, I have a place to begin. Even if the space that inspires me is my own body, or the fabrics that drape across it. Today, I’m wearing a linen citron skirt for the first time, one I got on Saturday at a thrift shop. It’s a Monday, and the second to last day of sun on the forecast. The sun in the beginning of October is gentle. Unlike the July sun, October sun takes its time soaking in. It doesn’t rush to elicit perspiration, nor does it wilt flowers with its intensity. It asks for patience (sometimes, demands it)– the chill lasts until the afternoon, so we carry layers under our arms and take sweaty jackets off at 1:00. It’s heavy enough to keep the plants growing, but light enough to encourage changing and wilting. It might not be as reliable as July or August, but when it comes out, there’s a sort of slowness. Instead of boating or rafting or any of the sweaty sounds of summer, there’s the question of hot or iced, of inside or outside, of short sleeves or sweaters. Simple dilemmas that I wish were posed everyday. Ones that open up possibilities that would usually feel like givens.

Recently, I (temporarily) lost a job. It was stressful news for a myriad of reasons, but mostly, I just miss how joyful it was. Today was the first day I truly felt the absence of routine. Sitting at home during the hours I’m usually active, times when there’s piles of clothes and basketballs and laughter and fighting all around me, was something I immediately knew I wanted to avoid. My roommate and I drove home from school, I had a quick snack, and took off immediately to go to my favorite new coffee shop within walking distance. I set down my computer, and immediately knew this space would foster my writing in a way I hadn’t found recently.

Today, I was texting with my friends from home about their Christmas break plans. Now that the four of us are at different schools, winter is the only time we are guaranteed to have a bit of crossover. This year, it might only be a few days. I read the messages in the library as they popped up on my computer. I turned notifications off, because I felt a lump in my throat, and I had tutoring. There didn’t seem like an adequate way to explain to a guy I was meeting for the first time that my eyes were watering because my favorite people are all thriving in ways that just so happen to distance us from one another. Our distance is bittersweet. My friends are in love, traveling, making plans for the future, living boldly in the present. On days I doubt myself, I think of them, because I must have been doing something right to have earned their company. On days where I doubt where my home is, I remind myself that my homes extend outside of whichever one I pick for myself.

Love doesn’t feel childish anymore, if it ever did. Love kept some of us young, and forced some of us to grow up faster than we wanted to. It reminded us that nothing can prevent the pain of heartbreak. It reminded us that nothing could transgress the permanence of our friendships, and it reminded us of how lucky we are to have loves that would never dare falter. I am in and with love, all of the time. I see love in the way the May sun illuminated the faces of my many homes, and the way the October sun bathes the faces of friends who make my life familiar, who summon safety into a place I am still learning.

October sun has a versatility I can only hope to embody. Right now, she heats my shoulders and neck exactly like she did in July. Even from indoors, she echos through the glass, imprinting on my skin, a reminder of the many summer months of dock days and evening swims. A reminder of the consistency I lost, and the unexpected sources of joy I’ve learned will come, as they do, more often than we like to admit. I go back and forth between being terrified and excited that I cannot guess what tomorrow will look like. Either way, I try to predict goodness.

Ending this with another R.e.p.o.r.t. I hope your day is wonderful and magical and we shall talk soon.

R: reading

I have been reading things for school and not much else…even though I’m sure I could carve out the time to read other things. I’m in a Brontes class right now, and so far we have read Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. I preferred Jane Eyre, but both were a bit challenging to get through (mainly because they were written in the 1800s– I’m more of a contemporary novel person, I think).

E: eating

So much good stuff. I wasn’t sure what cooking was going to look like for me when I moved into my own place for the first time because before this I’d either lived at home or had a meal plan. I’m going through at least 2-3 cans of chickpeas per week– every time I make them, I try different ratios of different spices, and soon, I’ll be able to coin my own chickpea recipe (I’ll share it as soon as I do). My roommate and I cook dinners together and for each other sometimes, and we do all of our grocery shopping together, which is a wonderful feeling. I’ve grown fond of cooking (mostly), especially as I find recipes that suit the season. Here are some of the meals we have made in our apartment thus far!

P: playing

The new Olivia Dean album has been on repeat for me. Every song is beautiful and it’s such a joy to listen to! It’s become one of those albums that I turn on and love so hard that I worry I’ll play it too much and get tired of it (but I don’t foresee that happening). I love to dance to it and sing it in the car and also lay in bed and just think about a couple of them and how they portray both the uncertainty and the gratitude I’ve been feeling lately.

O: obsessed!

Enough said

R: recommended

Dressing up like a princess. And going to get a drink with your friends, any night of the week.Also watercolors and looking for snails on rainy walks and tzatziki and taking one billion pictures of your ca

T: treating

Pie/cake/other baked goods at Lauretta Jean’s (and occasionally other places but I am loyal to Laurettas). I am not at all a pie person but I am being converted slowly, except I still don’t like fruit pies much. Yesterday, I shared one of the best cakes of my life there with a friend– it was maple pumpkin and it was perfect. I want to get married in the fall so I can have this cake at my wedding. I didn’t capture this one but just trust it was a beautiful treat for a Tuesday.

Thank you for reading bye bye bye!