Emptiness and eggs
Getting cloudy again (no chance of meatballs)
Hi friends. Today is going to be a fairly short newsletter. I usually work on my newsletter over the weekend, but this weekend ended up being so much busier than I expected. I was going to say that today had been a homework day, but that would have been a lie, because I don’t plan on starting my work for multiple hours. So instead, today’s newsletter will be brief but fully transparent!
It’s kind of insane how I often feel the loneliest in a room so full of people that I can’t even move. Even when I’m with friends, with people I love, it can feel so disorienting to be in a room of people who seem so unflinchingly happy, and even if it’s all just a facade, it feels genuine. On Friday, I felt the cloud above me, but the sun had been out for a while, so I figured the rain was due. I encouraged myself to keep moving, to keep going out and leaving campus and seeing the people who I knew would make me feel better. It would always work for a few minutes, and then my heartbeat would speed up and I’d feel a rock in my stomach that rose to my throat. I’d want to go home but I wouldn’t because I knew that wouldn’t make it any better, so I’d stay, in a place I wasn’t sure I should be. There’s only so many places you can go, and sometimes none of them feel like the right place. When I say I’m going home, I wonder how sincere I’m being.
I don’t want a hard weekend to overpower the love I have for where I am and the people who I’m with. That’s the thing about mental illness, is sometimes there’s a moment, a moment where you think it’s all gone and for a second, your shoulders are just a little lighter. Your jaw loosens, you smile without trying to. I just wish it would last longer, I wish the clouds would wait for a moment before surrounding me in fog and sticky humidity. I wish first, I could show them who I am when the sun’s out.
Time always ends up flying by, and I’m sure it will, but right now, I’m just waiting. I’m writing a couple of poems a week, but just for class, and I’m reading for hours, but it’s all history and philosophy and things I can almost wrap my mind around. I’m getting enough sleep because I’m too tired all the time to make it past 11, and I’m going to dinner at the dining hall because I’m running out of food to cook, and I haven’t found the time to go grocery shopping. I cut up cheese and a tomato for dinner one night and toasted a piece of sourdough bread, and honestly, it was one of the best meals I’ve had in a while.
I will end this by reminding myself and you all that I know everything that’s happening is intentional, and that I am losing my mind but growing, even if just a little, in the process. Life is mundane and grey and light and flashing and dynamic. We are going to be okay.
With that, here’s one of the poems I wrote this week for my poetry class! I hope Jerry (my professor) likes it, but he might not, and that’s okay (just kidding the academic validation is very important to me)
Eggs The perfume that you wear smells like my grandmother’s hardwood floors I have taken the hand of nobody else, I am light-handed Even with the eggs as to not hurt their yellow runny insides You bring me another but by the time it reaches me, it’s broken into a hundred pieces Liquid dripping down your wrists onto the floor you are from Into the crevices of splinter filled crawfish and roaches Where do they spill once their chests are exposed And why do they run like they have nowhere to be Is the warmth a friend or does it frame them as wonderful prey Do they leave behind anything in the emptiness Someone is cooking and they used to much salt Eyes watery, gums stinging, weak knees, weak heart When it all gets too heavy, what if it’s too late, what if I can’t breathe And worse, where does all of the weight go when you leave? It isn’t mine, yet I can not exchange nor return it So I’ll hold it, tightly, though it was never earned I’ll be holding it still, when we’re ash, when we speak through our silver rust urns
FatBaby
This store in Portland (Sellwood, to specify for the locals) is seriously amazing, and I did not go nearly enough last year, a mistake I will not be making again. If you show a picture of you as a baby at checkout, you get 15% off everything, which is a cherry on top. The prices are so spectacular, I’ve gotten jewelry for $5 and sweet little wallets and bags for less than $10. They also have fun little trinkets, and some good shoes. It’s a pretty small store, and it’s so much less overwhelming than going to a huge thrift or antique store, but you’ll still find something you love. Plus, there’s two other cute thrift stores next door (slightly more expensive but worth looking around).
The 7-day rule
I have a serious addiction to gathering clothes, accessories, and shoes, and I’m okay with admitting that. However, I have been trying to be much more conscious about money this semester, partly because my kitten is especially expensive with all of the treatments she needs in her little sweet state. I love online shopping, especially on second-hand sites, but usually I don’t buy anything as of lately. I’ve ended up buying so many things that I’ve only worn once or twice, and that is a huge waste of my funds! Lately, I have been making a rule for myself where if I find something online that I want, I have to wait at least seven days to buy it. This also applies for booking appointments for wants, or events. If you see something you fall in love with at a store, I think that’s different, but online shopping is immensely dangerous and I’m not sure why it took me so many years to realize that, but this rule has been saving me lately. Pretty much every item of clothing I was planning on buying I have decided against, just because it doesn’t feel immensely necessary in the moment. Would recommend for my fellow clothes addicts!
Getting dressed up
Lately, I have been trying to put on an outfit I feel good in every morning. It honestly keeps me so much more motivated, even if I’m planning on staying home all day. I love staying in my pajamas all morning on the weekends, but getting ready is just such a good feeling, if it doesn’t feel appealing in the moment. Even better if it’s with friends
My kitten Spoon!
Spoon has been with me for 22 days already! She’s made every bad day better, and I’m really glad she’s around. I honestly never thought I’d have a kitten but she’s the greatest blessing I could ask for, and she’s more popular around campus than me already. She does need extra treatments due to being feral and malnourished for the first few weeks of her life, so I started her a little fund. I’m praying to whoever’s up there that I can keep her, because she is the best spontaneous gift I’ve ever gotten <3
Today’s bug is a blister beetle! They are most commonly found when the sun is out, and they like hanging out on flowers. They are attracted to weeds during the spring bloom, and they feed on plants. Their larvae eat the eggs of grasshoppers, our bug of last week. After a male and female blister beetle mate, they stay attached for 24 hours, and the female moves from flower to flower carrying the lazy guy beetle around. They lay hundreds of eggs, and only a few will survive. There are over 7,500 subspecies for the blister beetle, and at least 350,000 blister beetles on Earth.
Sincerely,
Oh man I just reread this and realized how I feel that exact way with lots of people around. More alike than we realize. 😜
Sooo Good! This post hit me right in the solar plexus... thank you 😘💓