Celebrations, repetition, & the unknown

March

Sunshine!!!

I’m sitting in an undecorated house, blank walls and empty shelves. On one, a “forest winter” candle, a screwdriver, Neutrogena sunscreen, a can of light eggshell paint, and a Better Homes & Gardens magazine. On the opposite shelf, about eight Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, fifteen picture books, Trivial Pursuit (kid-friendly version), and what the kids call “the internet” (router), and a National Geographic mega crystal growing lab. There is nothing on the walls but the air conditioning and heat controls, the lights, and a coat rack overflowing with rain jackets, sweatshirts, and a couple more formal jackets. The walls are a weird shade of white, one that I can’t decide is actually pale yellow. The family is moving, so I’m sure the walls were fuller before, but it’s more unsettling than I would have imagined. It reminds me of how much I dislike the Kardashian modern aesthetic, blank white walls and grey appliances. I want a house full of color, hand-painted tiles, yellow cupboards, raw wood storage and a piano (I will learn one day), and windows all over the walls. I want mismatched chairs around a huge dining table for dinner parties, framed postcards and letters, photographs and posters covering the walls, the frames all different, all old. Nearly everything will be second-hand, but I’ve always dreamed of having a brand-new couch. Maybe a funky hanging light too, and maybe a plaid, or better yet, hand-stitched tablecloth made by a friend. As you can tell, I’ve barely thought about this at all. Being a homeowner feels like a pipe dream, but it’s one of my pipe dreams, which in my mind, means it is only a dream. 

The boys and I are watching Back to the Outback, a 2021 animated film about a group of animals that humans see as dangerous, like poisonous reptiles, planning to escape from the zoo. They just escaped, but are being chased by many officers and a koala is being framed as dead, by rabies of course. I stayed in Portland for spring break after being offered a babysitting job Monday-Thursday, for eight hours a day. I needed the money, and although I wanted to see my friends, I have been dreading going home. I am not convinced that my house without my dog will feel so much like home. I have not been at home without her yet, as she passed right after I came back to school after winter break. I know once I get back, I will fall back into old habits, expecting her to be lying below my feet when I wake up and leaving my door open at night so that she can enter and exit as she pleases. I’m not sure if I want to close the door fully, even now. But, I am glad I stayed (for the most part). I was able to go to a cabin in Hoodsport, Washington, right outside Olympic National Park, with friends last weekend. We were only there for two nights, but it was incredibly peaceful and I came back feeling rejuvenated, but also sad to return to reality after having sleepovers with some of my closest friends and seeing deer right outside the deck and standing by the water, water bluer than I have seen in months and months, and eating omelets and toast while gossiping at one of the only diners for miles. 

Since turning 20 a few days ago, I have been thinking frequently about expectations and societal norms for the decade ahead. Finding the career you are passionate about and comfortable in, finding a partner, and starting a family, are all of the things that should begin, or at least be a concern, by the end of one’s twenties. All of it according to books and films and any sorts of media, to the point where it feels incredibly difficult to internalize anything else. The hardest part to come to terms with for me, which I know is inevitable, is growing away from some friends, either physically or emotionally. I am already preparing to be away from my closest friends for months, separated by oceans and time. I know in the next decade, I will give speeches at my best friends’ weddings in beautiful dresses I’ll only wear once, and fall in love with them and their love. I will sit in hospital waiting rooms to meet their babies, ready to spoil them with second-hand clothes, takeout food, and trips to the mountains and the beach. I will mourn family members, and sit with friends on our beds as they mourn theirs. I will try new things, some of which I will give up within the year, and I will cry and mourn my teenage years and listen to songs I can no longer relate to. There are things I’d like to learn, like how to ask for help and to understand my worth and potential, as well as my limits, and how to play piano. Growth and an expansion of knowledge are the only things I know to be true. 

I ended my nineteenth year with one of the best days I can remember. One of my best friends from home came to Portland, and I spent the day exploring with her and another close friend, showing her around, drinking smoothies and coffee and wandering around Powells and various thrift stores (I only bought two pairs of Baggu socks plus food on the entire outing and I’m very proud of myself, although I did just order clothes online so not too proud). We ended in Sellwood, where my friends were waiting at my favorite ramen place to have dinner all together. We got back to school, and they organized a party for me, where we made fun drinks (no alcohol duh), danced, and ate cupcakes. It was the perfect reminder of the love and good energy I am surrounded by, which does not falter even when things get complicated and difficult and exhaustingly repetitive. Even when they are exhausted with just a couple of days until spring break, they plan a lovely evening to celebrate my twentieth. These people are my people, and I cannot wait to see where life takes every one of them, no matter how we may grow apart, no matter how different our lives, inevitably, will be. I find a certain joy in knowing that most likely, we will all go completely different ways, because it means we are being true to ourselves. 

I was going to write about some things I learned during my last teenage year, but I think this is a separate newsletter. So instead, back by semi-popular demand, last but not least… 

the R.E.P.O.R.T. 

R- reading 

I just read Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love. ⭑⭑⭑⭑ It was a beautiful memoir about love in your twenties, but really, the things we can derive from platonic love, which in many ways is so much more valuable. It is also about how watching your friends fall in love and get married while you’re not there yet, or vice versa, is always going to be difficult. Anything where you are in a different phase of your life. This book is funny and intelligent and serious all at once, and incredibly special. I want to come back to it in a few years, because I think I may have been a little too young to fully appreciate/relate to it.

E- eating

Pasta again, pasta always. This time, spaghetti and vodka sauce. 

P- playing

My friends and I played Trivial Pursuit when we went to the cabin last weekend, it was my first time playing, and a very fun game that I would love to play again. Very fun little obscure questions (some are very simple and some I’m convinced are nearly impossible)! I love learning! 

As far as music, Adrianne Lenker’s new album is so beautiful. I can’t listen to it too much though because it is heart shattering! I have also been listening to lots of Alice Phoebe Lou, Adele, and Joni Mitchell since she is back on Spotify yay!

O- obsessing

Floor time with friends. Chatting up a storm is always enhanced by sitting/laying on the floor while you do so. None of us vacuum very much and that is okay!

R- recommending

This focaccia/pizza from Montelupo. They have a market in Sellwood (and a restaurant which I haven’t been to yet). It had been on my list for a long time and when my parents visited, we finally went and it was so very good. It is reasonably priced and well worth it, probably the best focaccia I have ever had!

T- treating

Rimsky’s in Portland! Such good desserts and drinks, also pretty reasonable prices (7 dollar desserts!). It is one of the sweetest little places ever, there’s live music sometimes and there’s always a wait because everyone loves to go with friends or on dates or for any occasion ever. My friends and I went to celebrate being accepted to our study abroad programs! I want to try every dessert and drink there, so I guess I’m obligated to return many times– tragic. This time, I had hot cider and affogato. Coffee at 9 may have not been the best choice but I didn’t have class the next morning, so everything turned out okay. 

Thank you all very much for reading, and for being patient with me as I find the courage to write more. I haven’t been writing much, so publishing has been rare, but there will be a top sheet and I think it may be a fun one… coming soon so keep an eye out probably. See you soon and have a beautiful Wednesday and end of the week, hopefully in the sun. If not, the sun is right around the corner!