Catch them by surprise

The vitality of creation

On the first day of 2026, I don’t think much about the things I want to be this year– I think about the things I want to do. I think about the way that I move, the places I choose to go, the type of work I’ll do, but tend to forget about the bigger picture. If these things do happen to me, or if I happen to them, what will I be? What will they be? Every year, I am reminded of how to feel things that I may have not felt for a long time, or that I’ve never considered feeling before. I also teach myself new ways of concealing these emotions, of how to present in the same way as I always have. I’m not sure what that always looks like, but I know that there is no single emotion I always feel, or even mostly feel. If the specificity and uniqueness of emotions comes from the ways we move through our days, the people we surround ourselves with, what we consume, what we avoid…the overlap in feelings would be less than we think. In naming the emotion that we feel, or that we’ve felt this week, this month, this year, is itself a compartmentalization of the things we experience on a daily basis. For the convenience of others, for the condensing of conversation, it makes the most sense to select a word, and to stay with it. Who knows how someone will react if you begin to explain the nuance and complexity of your emotions, feelings, and sensations to them?

Telling a story is a risk– to be perceived in a way you are unsure of, to not know what your image rests on. To catch them by surprise might jeopardize the version of yourself that is so carefully curated. This is not to say that we should always be explaining our every sensation to everyone we encounter. Rather, it is to consider that saying the same thing every time we try to describe ourselves or the place we currently are is boring, and for convenience alone. To deny the ways our atmospheres and each little thing we touch, we taste, we relate to, pricks us– that is where the risk exists. By ignoring all parts of ourselves except for one while conversing and reflecting, we are telling our bodies and minds that they are only valid (or only exist at all) while in a certain place. Other than that, they are disposable, forgettable, meant to be discarded.

Since risks come with changing our minds, convenience comes from presenting in the same way, again, and again, and again. Convenience strips us of variability, uniqueness, and creativity, by convincing us that the easiest way to go about our feelings is to choose a couple, and ignore the rest. It tells us that only categorizing ourselves as one thing makes it easier to explain who we are, and makes us more digestible to others. The convenience of choosing an answer and sticking with it poses vulnerability and fluctuation as dangerous things. I propose that by discarding vulnerability, we sacrifice not only how we present, but how we move– we place limits on our own creativity, in every sense of the word. Creativity may be our savior in all of this– entering into conversations with one another through creating and innovating, using our vulnerability and our inherent moldability as people, may save us. Entering into dynamic conversations may take time, but creating in community could be the beginning.

So, New Years…maybe, from here on out, I will remind myself that I have permission to change my mind. I will embrace my constantly evolving nature within each and every interactions. Thank you for sticking with me for the past few years– this space gives me the permission to do just that.

The December REPORT!

Reading: I recently finished This is How You Lose the Time War, which my bestie/cousin gave to me annotated. I annotated it too, responding to her comments and writing my own. It was so lovely, and I would highly recommend it. I also finished Camera Lucida by Ronald Barthes yesterday, which is about photography and grief. I read this in part for my thesis, and it was lovely– it is fairly short, and highly philosophical (so it may take a while to get through), but it was wonderful nonetheless.

Eating: all the delectable things my mom has been cooking

Playing: The ipad…to be truthful and open with you all

Obsessing: Colorful outfits in the wintertime to keep spirits up!

Recommending: gifting independent magazine subscriptions!

A wonderful treat for anyone plus you will be supporting independent journalism and media which is always good. Plus who doesn’t love receiving a bit of mail every once in a while!

Some I found that look splendid;

• Stack

• Adventure Journal

• Eye

• Sidetracked

• Delayed Gratification

Treating: I was given a red leather bag for Christmas, and I absolutely love it. I can’t wait to have it as a little pop of color wherever I go. Thank you mom and dad! My first big girl bag and it feels like a very fitting year for it.

I am looking forward to what is to come in 2026! Happy year of the horse my friends

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